Roadblocks: "How We Spend Our Days Is How We Spend Our Lives"~Anne Lamont

 

I think I'll start writing again. I used to think I wanted to be a fiction writer. Maybe I still do? But lately I've been thinking about taking the time to write instead of wasting time looking at Instagram on my phone. I often think about all the time I suck up looking at what other people post on their Stories or Reels. Am I avoiding other, more meaningful activities such as writing? And why do I feel guilty about not writing enough? Maybe it's because I teach writing to 9th grade girls and tell them over and over again how important it is to "write from the heart" and "be vulnerable" and "take risks." I feel like a fraud! 

So what's standing in my way? Right now I'm trying to distract myself from finishing this post by looking at a Starbucks gift card a student gave me for Christmas and thinking about how I need to add it to the app. I think I've developed a bad habit of allowing my phone or really anything within my grasp to steal my energy. Truth is, I wonder for what purpose should I write? Is it for me? Is it to fossilize memories? Is it to come up with new ideas? Lately I've been thinking about writing a short story for a teenage audience. What do they care about right now? Maybe I should poll my students? 

I spend my days like this: 

1. Wake up at 6:31 a.m.

2. Start the coffee, wash my face, put on makeup.

3. Get dressed and leave for work.

4. Teach from 8:30-3:45 with time off in-between.

5. Drive home at 4:15ish and get home at 4:45ish.

6. Eat a snack then figure out if I want to work out or not.

7. After working out (or not), cook dinner or order it.

8. Watch something on TV while looking at phone.

9. Take a bath, usually around 10:00 p.m.

10. Get in bed and watch a show or look at phone.

11. Go to sleep around 11:00 p.m.

Clearly, I spend most of my days teaching at school. And yet, I'm frustrated with myself so far this 2021-2022 school year. Last year, we taught through the covid pandemic with lots of protocols in place like wearing masks, social distancing, 100% virtual learning in the beginning then a hybrid virtual model beginning in mid-September 2020. Yes, it was awkward and nothing at all like I was used to teaching. But it was still a challenge to come up with a new way to teach, so I took it on. This year is different because we are finally back to normal and yet I'm not ready to be my old teacher self. I'm stuck somewhere between the virtual/hybrid teacher from last year and my pre-pandemic teaching ways. 

If I'm spending most of my days at school, shouldn't I be making the best of it? Shouldn't every day be a joy? Shouldn't students be inspired and excited to come to my class every single day? I'm not feeling it. I'm bored with myself. It's a familiar feeling, one I've definitely had in the past as a teacher. I feel stagnant. It's time to find something to ignite my creativity and my students' love for writing.