Dear Arden,

 In 16 days you will graduate high school. I've felt the slow separation of you from me this school year, and I knew I wouldn't like it. I know it's what's supposed to happen, and I'm so proud of what you have become. I'm just not ready for you to leave. After your 8th grade year, I remember sobbing in bed at night, thinking to myself over and over again, "I didn't have enough time." I felt guilty for all the petty things I worried about when you were in middle school. I was so focused on maintaining boundaries as a "teacher parent" that I didn't appreciate the time I had with you at that age. Then again, you wouldn't have wanted me in all your business anyway. Still, I wish I had enjoyed that time more. That seems to be my mantra these days. It never feels like I have enough time or enjoy the time I do have with you enough. Which brings me to my next thought.

It's easier for me to be mad than sad. Instead of telling you how much I will miss you when you go away at the end of this summer, I've chosen to distance myself and focus on what you do that bothers me. I guess it's my way of guarding my emotions. I'm sorry if I have made you feel like I don't care. I actually do care too much, so I cover it with the shield of frustration and anger. Letting you go is hard. I will no longer be a consistent part of your everyday life, and for a Mom, that's a difficult transition. I worry about you getting hurt, sick, lost, afraid, depressed, frustrated, betrayed, and I won't be physically there to comfort you. This is all new territory for me. Now I know how Mimi must have felt when I left home for college.

 It's not that you are far away or can't come home anymore, but you are never going to be the little girl who needed me for everything. Sure, you'll still need me for some things, but not the way you did when you were small. I recognize all moms go through this and change is hard. It's particularly hard for a sentimental person like me. I look back on the past and think about the way things used to be. This is one reason why I like writing. It captures moments and feelings from the past that I can later go back and read/reflect on. I don't want to forget this very special transitional phase in our lives. Although it's not something I've ever looked forward to, here it is. I can't control time, but I can cup my hands around it and keep it safely on the page until the next moment arises.