Escape

I wonder what would happen if I just left? No one knew where I was. I wouldn't be gone for long, maybe just a week or so. I think about this short story by Doris Lessing called To Room 19 where this woman gets a hotel room every afternoon and just sits there thinking about how she can escape. She eventually kills herself. That's a little extreme for me. I've never even considered killing myself. I just want a little freedom. But the strange thing is, I can understand how she feels. The same thing happened in the movie The Hours. Julian Moore's character leaves her little boy with a sitter and goes to a hotel room to contemplate killing herself. Again, too extreme for me, but I found myself very moved by her feelings of desperation. Then I think of that quote, "Most men lead quiet lives of desperation." Wow. I think that's true. Why in the hell do we all walk around desperate? And for what? My life is not bad at all. I would consider myself happy. I have a wonderful husband, a healthy child, I'm healthy, we live comfortably. What the hell am I complaining about? I don't feel sorry for myself or at least I try not to. Maybe it goes back to that old cliche, "You want what you can't have." Am I longing for the carefree days when I didn't have to please anyone or take care of anyone else but myself? I don't think I appreciated it then the way I do now, though. That could be a good thing b/c in those rare moments when I do have time to myself, I am so thankful.